PARTY TIME WITH MAIDEN AMERICA


INT. MERCEDES BENZ SUV - NIGHT

 

MAIDEN AMERICA turns ignition key and starts engine. Retrieves iPhone from vest pocket. 

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Dude,
(a beat) 
KID ROCK and I are at PHRANK’S most of this evening. ANDREW CUOMO, TED CRUZ, and BEN CARSON will be there. Text or call when you arrive at the airport.

 

CUT TO:
 

EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - NIGHT

MAIDEN AMERICA drives to park SUV next to building. Closed garage door. 

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

(talking on iPhone)

I'm right outside your place.

 

Garage door lifts open. MAIDEN AMERICA drives SUV inside.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. RESIDENCE OF PHRANK 

Ten, fifteen people in five, six groups. Camera pans into and through television room, music room, stopping at billiard and foosball room where MAIDEN AMERICA, KID ROCK, BEN CARSON, TED CRUZ and SARAH PALIN are playing foosball. 

 

ANDREW CUOMO

Score!

 

SARAH PALIN

Total luck. One bounce from all the way across the table.

 

ANDREW CUOMO

Yup.

 

In adjacent room, loud voices are heard.

 

ANDREW CUOMO

I’m tired of this. Let’s see what they’re watching on the tube.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA sits alongside KID ROCK. Television has interview of Louis Farrakhan and Ann Coulter on the O’Reilly Factor.

 

JOHN McCAIN

What you sayin’? President Obama isn’t a leader? That’s a funny thing.

 

KID ROCK

They’re all just reacting to any situation. None of ‘em, Democrat or Republican have a plan, and are leaders in the true sense of the word.

 

VLADIMIR PUTIN

What kind of plan should they have for what they’re talking about now, for immigration, let’s say?

 

KID ROCK turns to look at MAIDEN AMERICA.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

(chuckling her trademark low-bass-tone chuckle)

Get into it. He ain’t here to talk the talk.

 

KID ROCK

Let me make mention of several nations, first. Germany. Japan. South Korea. Hong Kong, which is actually a city-State, but still pertains to what I’ll say.

(a beat)

At the end of World War Two Germany was a mess. All the major cities were bombed, flattened. The infrastructure was destroyed. People were starving. A war-torn nation was in ruins. Two generations of time passes and the people and the leaders of the nation have picked themselves up to becomeone of three leading economic powers in the world.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Germany became one of the top three leading economic powers of the world, AGAIN! This wasn’t the first time they did this to themselves.

 

PHRANK

So they got lucky.

 

KID ROCK

Perhaps. But the leaders and the people of Japan also accomplished a similar feat. After the cultural humiliation of defeat at war, the leaders and the people of Japan picked themselves up, and within two generations of time, as MAIDEN AMERICA states, today they are once again of the three leading economic powers of the world. How did Germany and Japan do that? What is it in these people and the leaders they chose which then creates the environment so that the people will work to then recreate constructive, industrious, prosperous nations for themselves?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

President Obama and his crew don’t have these goals in mind as they carry out their official duties. In fact, none of the leaders in any political party over the last fifty years, since the last World War, has any idea how these two nations did what they did. No conservative think tanks, or magazines or books bring up this topic on how they did what they did.

 

VLADIMIR PUTIN

I’ve never heard Ann Coulter talk this kind of talk, in any of her books or weekly columns, that’s for sure.

 

Snickers heard in room.

 

KID ROCK

So here is Farrakhan and people of like mind saying white Americans are racist for not allowing illegal immigrants to remain here. All these nations where the immigrants come from have leaders who are clueless on how to turn their nation into another Germany or Japan. If these leaders did know how and then do this there wouldn’t be so many people wanting to immigrate over to the West.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Turn themselves into another South Korea, or Hong Kong.

 

KID ROCK

Leaders of Third World nations want United Nations money only to make their own lives comfortable. They aren’t leaders of nations. Not in the true, literal sense of the word. They’re weak minded men.

(a beat)

Immigrants who have made something of themselves here in the West should go back to their nations and change the laws. Run for office. Talk the talk. Get elected. Kick the putzes out. And in two generations time figure out what’s wrong and then change their nation for the better. Make themselves and their people really proud instead of pathetically proud of their nationality. They should become the new revolutionaries. Capitalist revolutionaries.

 

People look at KID ROCK. Silence.

 

KID ROCK

(continue)

People can if they really want to. They can change their nation to be as prosperous as Germany and Japan became today. You’re your own worst enemy,

(chuckle) 

and just weak or thick-headed by saying, thinking, “I can’t. We can’t. It can’t be done.”

 

KID ROCK turns to watch television.

 

FARRAKHAN

The white race owes the black man for years of slavery.

 

KID ROCK

O’Reilly or Coulter should ask him, “How is it that African people of today, in all of recorded history, have never picked themselves up even once?” Let me answer that for you. Because the type of thoughts in your head right now are more important to you than any constructive thoughts you could ever hope to entertain.

 

KID ROCK runs his the fingers of his hand through his hair several times.

 

VLADIMIR PUTIN

KID ROCK, wanna go outside on the balcony for awhile?

Get some fresh air.

 

KID ROCK and VLADIMIR PUTIN exit room.

 

SARAH PALIN

People like FARRAKHAN are odd. How can anyone believe in a Creator God if you turn out to become someone like him?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

There is a Creator God. People like FARRAKHAN believe Mohamed had some special relation with God. But the Creator God was never intimate with Mohamed. The Creator never shared or expressed Its thoughts to Mohamed.

 

SARAH PALIN

You think so? How you know?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Mohamed was a warlord. He conquered places. Took things he wanted from places he conquered. Long story short, he married a six year old girl. Consummated with this girl at nine years of age.

 

SARAH PALIN

(laughs)

What?!

 

DONALD TRUMP

(chuckles)

Wow. Who told you that?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

True story. Some guy named Bukhari writes about it. I’ll pull up the page on the cell phone.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA begins typing on cell phone.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

(texting while talking)

Wherever you find their Qur’an being taught, places like Islamist universities and madrasa, you’ll find the books of this guy Bukhari to help explain things, too. Many Muslims don’t know about these verses, or if they do they don’t want to believe them true. But like I said, for centuries, wherever you found their Qur’an you found books from Bukhari, too. I can’t imagine any reason why these thoughts of Mohamed weren’t thrown out unless they were authentic and true.

 

SARAH PALIN

Muslims believe Mohamed had revelations, thoughts from their God, and these revelations are written inside the Qur’an?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

That’s the rub. Even if Bukhari’s words about Mohamed weren’t true, their Muslim god Allah must’ve known and realized that a countless number of Mohamed’s followers over the centuries would read Bukhari and wonder about the relationship their prophet had with Allah. There are no revelations of Mohamed written in the Qur’an which state something like, “Messenger of Allah, I Allah designed children in a way …? in a way that they’re not made for sex.” Or some such thing like that. Wow, what a great revelation that would be, and how freaky it would be were something like that actually …? and eloquently written inside the Qur’an. But there are no written revelations inside the Qur’an

from Allah to Mohamed that shed light in this direction. Imagine of all the revelations of Mohamed claimed to have had come from his god Allah, and not one of these revelations was in reference to refute the reports of Bukhari, or even to show a source of divine respect for the child. That’s some great, helpful god, huh? I mean, wow. Here. Read this.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA hands cell phone to DONALD TRUMP.

 

DONALD TRUMP

I’ve read some things in the Qur’an. And know the guy Bukhari you’re talking about. The guy is cited alot on webpages. I didn’t come across the passages you’re referring to. I’ll have to check it out next time I have time.

(a beat)

Good lord. My favorite search engine is dogpile.com, and the terms, "while I was playing in a swing with some of my girl friends" done did bring up more than seven pages of website links. I’m going to email these pages to myself, OK?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA begins nodding her head (like, yeah.)

 

DONALD TRUMP

(continuing)

Oh, lordy lord. Wow. 

(chuckle)

Imagine politicians like President Obama or Mitt Romney, knowing this about Mohamed and it doesn’t trip the wires for a zero tolerance policy or attitude to be brought upon their friends in Saudi Arabia, or Turkey, or Pakistan, or anywhere over them parts of the world. I can’t imagine them bringing up the subject, asking, “You guys know this about Mo’ and still hang out with the guy?”

(a beat)

Wow.

 

SARAH PALIN

(to DONALD TRUMP)

Let me read that page when you’re done?

(beat)

I was watching “Meet The Press” the other day. Tom Brokaw was being interviewed about the Boston bombing. What I got out of watching and listening

(beat)

Brokaw saying he travels around the Middle East and young people from the area come up to him and say, “We love America, but if you harm one hair on my sister I will fight you forever.” And I thought, does Brokaw think to respond to these young folk by asking, “People from your country have attacked my people. Will you help me and my friends to find these people and by helping US cause them to stop? Help me to find these people before other innocent brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers die while we fight to capture these people who attacked our nation.” No, Brokaw doesn’t respond like a man who has been attacked himself, and then wants justice for himself. He goes on about drones in Afghanistan causing rage against the U.S.

 

DONALD TRUMP

If Brokaw did go around foreign lands talking investigation stuff to the small town folk he’d end up snookered,

dead like journalist Daniel Pearl. Best for him if he talks to his own kind of folk.

 

SARAH PALIN

So many journalists don’t speak reality. And then just let the chips fall where they may.

(beat)

Oh, my god. Mohamed married a kid? Wow. What would all these journalists in the West do if they actually knew this? About Mohamed and Islam?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

The real issue isn’t that Mohamed married a girl and everything. From what I’ve read and come to understand

(beat)

I think of him as a lucky dude 

(beat)

who lived fourteen hundred years ago. Mohamed talks a talk which brings a bunch of guys to go to battle for him. And Mohamed and his friends do win so many battles. They sack towns and villages, and conquer entire swaths of land. They take what they want from whatever land they’ve conquered. I imagine one day this kid who must’ve been like 

(beat)

like beauty pageant material, a Jon Benét Ramsey type of thing strolls into the presence of Mohamed somehow. Unusually pretty she is. He wants her. He wants her like someone wants an exotic pet. Or a particular work of art to decorate the home with. Something to put in his pocket, and show off to his friends. To pet and play with when he’s in the mood. Whatever, Mohamed wants this pretty 

(beat) 

thing. So he takes it.

 

DONALD TRUMP

Sure. It’s not like he follows scruples we live with today.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Uhm? Sort of. Ya’ know, I suppose everyone knows

(beat)

you look at a kid of six, nine years of age and everyone just knows and realizes that they’re not made for sex. And if you’re one who has this sense of a Creator, a god who is responsible for the creation of all that is in the world, you also realize to understand the Creator has intentionally designed kids to be this way, you know, psychologically and physically, for Its own good reasons, It wants children to be non-sexual because? 

(beat)

because of the way we see It designed them to be.

 

SARAH PALIN

(chuckle)

Great psychoanalysis of the Creator God, Doctor MAIDEN AMERICA.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

But what I’m saying is true, right?

 

SARAH PALIN nods in agreement.

 

DONALD TRUMP

Sure, of course.

But eventually Mohamed does have sex with her.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Don’t ask me how, but yeah, he does.

 

DONALD TRUMP

I’ll tell you how. ‘Cause sometimes even that thing DONALD TRUMP can get turned on and hard at the strangest times.

Some dunderheads don't know what to do when that happens. 

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Yeah. You and I know you don’t have to use it if you don’t want to. But in Mohamed’s time people beat, whip slaves.

They kill people for petty things. I watch the movie, Gladiator, and realize the world back then is harsh and unforgiving. And I don’t see Mohamed as a totally wicked type of dude. You know, just because he went out of the norm with this kid. It’s not like the kid went batty or crazy as she got older because she hung around Mohamed early on.

 

DONALD TRUMP

(snickers)

Imagine it read that the other wives of Mohamed would watch as he punches the kid in the stomach as foreplay. Before sex. Then Mohamed would be a weird sort of dude, for sure.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

If I read something like that then, yes, of course, the guy definitely has a few loose screws in his canoe. But here’s the reason why I know Mohamed was just an ordinary dude, and with no special or intimate relation with the Creator.

(beat)

OK, I know what the Creator thinks, and wants because of the way It intentionally designed children. And here is Mohamed doing sexual things with the nine year old kid for the next three, four, five years. Of all the revelations Mohamed claimed to have had, supposedly from the Creator, not one was of the sort, “Mohamed, I designed children to be non-sexual. Cease and desist activity with this kid at this very moment.”

(beat)

OK, and now I imagine reading Bukhari. And I’m reading the beautiful and elegant verses from the Creator which further expound upon this command to Mohamed. I then read further along to find Mohamed actually did stop his sexual relations with this kid.

(beat)

He maybe puts her in another tent with the other wives and never touches her again till she’s older. Imagine to read in Bukhari that Mohamed wrote a special prayer to his god Allah invoking sorrow and shame having been involved with the child as such, and asking his god for forgiveness. Oh, my God. I would freak reading things like that. A freaking voice in his head tells him to stop doing that with a kid. The origin of that voice would forever freak me out with wonder. But I don’t find any verses.

(beat)

You know what I’m saying?

 

SARAH PALIN

The warlord superego that Mohamed must’ve possessed stops having those type of intense orgasms with the kid

(beat)

on his own? Or rather, because of some thought and voices that came into his head? I would wonder the origin of those righteous voices, too, 

(chuckle)

what did done get into Mohamed’s head just then?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Exactly.

 

DONALD TRUMP

Not because of fear of man, or pain or punishment. But because of some thoughts in his head.

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

Some thoughts not of his own volition. Imagine that.

 

DONALD TRUMP

Because of some thoughts that come into his head he stops doing stuff like that? I hear those type of orgasms are intense. Really intense. They’re not something you want to give up once you start.

(beat)

Wow. I suppose if I were to read something like that, too

(beat)

There are verses of Bukhari from the Creator to Mohamed that specifically told Mohamed to knock it off and stop, and then there are actually verses stating that he did stop? Other verses stating he put her in another tent, or something, like you said? Didn’t touch her again, for years? And then went and did something which showed contrition?

(beat; chuckle)

Wow. I see what you’re saying. What got into Mohamed?

 

MAIDEN AMERICA

But no revelation like this ever did come to Mohamed.

 

PHRANK

Hey, what you guys talking about?

 

SARAH PALIN

Rappin’, Dude.

Rappin’ ‘bout Mohamed.

 

 

© 2014 Kurt L Hanson